AITA? The Step-by-Step Guide for #PodMen
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I’ve created a step-by-step guide for you based on my own practice of discerning whether I’m bringing my own baggage into a situation or if I really am the a-hole (hence the acronym AITA).
Because sometimes I am. We all must work on our stuff, even though it’s messy and ego-crushing. Yet, it allows for true redemption and essentially a more fulfilled, authentic, happier life.
If I had time and energy, I’d make a flow chart. I don’t. So anyone is welcome to do that. If you do, email me at carrie(at)yayapodcasting.com and I’ll add it here with the proper credit (and buy you a coffee).
STEP 0: Historical Assessment
Sometimes we don’t realize our own behavioral patterns. As the old saying goes, Check yourself before your wreck yourself.
Answer the following questions:
· Will an accusation against me ruin the accusers career? If YES, skip to STEP 5
· Has this happened to me repeatedly? Skip to STEP 4 and 5 concurrently.
· Could my words or actions be perceived as something negative? If YES, skip to STEP 6. If NO, skip to STEP 2
Otherwise, continue to STEP 1.
STEP 1: Situational Awareness
Turn off the wifi. Assess the situation. Do not react, yet. Take a deep, cleansing breath.
Answer the following questions:
· Do you intimately know the person? If YES, skip to STEP 3
· Was it explicitly stated that I did something wrong? If YES, skip to STEP 3
STEP 2: Emotional Awareness
Feelings are not facts. Take another deep breath.
Answer the following questions:
· Am I feeling negative emotions about this? Go to STEP 3.
· Is the tone of the thing in question explicitly clear? If YES, skip to STEP 7
· Do I have unresolved trauma? If YES, skip to STEP 5
Otherwise, continue to STEP 3
STEP 3: Assess for Confirmation Bias
Answer the following questions:
· Would everyone who looks like and thinks like me agree with my feelings?
· Does this disagree with my self-identity? If NO, skip to STEP 5
· Is it really all about me? Skip to STEP 7
Otherwise, continue to STEP 4.
STEP 4: Third-Party Assessment
Query the marginalized people in my life.
· Did every marginalized person decline to help? If YES, skip to STEP 5
· Does their feedback make me upset? If YES, skip to STEP 5
· Was I the asshole in their opinion? If YES, skip to STEP 6
Otherwise, continue to STEP 5
STEP 5: Professional Assessment
Make an appointment with a qualified mental health provider. Repeat until discharged from care. Then, go to STEP 7 and 8 concurrently.
STEP 6: Taking Personal Responsibility
I’m the asshole. Here’s what to do next…
· Admit wrongdoing.
Then, ask yourself:
· Was this really an accusation? If NO, go to STEP 5.
· Did I share my emotional pain with the accuser? If YES, go to STEP 5.
· Did I take ownership without placing my own emotions on the accuser? If NO, go to STEP 7
· Did I ask the accuser to accept any blame or responsibility for my actions and/or feelings at any point? If YES, go to STEP 5.
· Did I make the accuser explain why they are accusing me? If YES, go to STEP 5
· Am I angry at my accuser and their supporters? Go back to STEP 5
Repeat this step until you reach STEP 8.
STEP 7: Working through your emotions
· Go immediately to the self-help section of my podcast app. Listen to shows only created by marginalized people.
· Start an open dialogue with your loved ones about how my behavior impacts them.
· Find a support group.
· Journal.
· Actively seek experiences outside my bubble.
· Reflect despite feeling negative emotions.
· Go to STEP 5.
· Did I change learn something that led to changing my behavior? If NO, go back to STEP 0
STEP 8: Creating a new identity
· Apply my new self-awareness when I make my next mistake.
· Encourage others to do the same.
· Live a happier, more authentic life.
END.
Special thanks to all the amazing people in my life who help me work through this assessment when I need it. (including my husband, son, co-hosts, podcast community and my therapist)
